i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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