hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
