sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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