if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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