Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
