I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
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