The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
