the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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