I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
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Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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