the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
i think my cat just said my name.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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