The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Randomize
