wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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