i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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