Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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