I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
i now understand why vodka
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
