Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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