You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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