so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
