waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
