WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
