I think I died a long time ago.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
So many bounce houses so little time
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
