Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
