I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
