I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
