You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
