Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
