i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
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