bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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