I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
In other news, I just burned my penis
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
