she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Randomize
