God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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