She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I'm sobbing to NWA
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
