I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I'm passing your future prison.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
