I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
