Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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