He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
