You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
