I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
