Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
