I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Randomize
