so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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