dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
