fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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