Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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