i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
