How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Randomize
