Betty ford says i'm here all night
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
