Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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