hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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