he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
He? As in you personified your dick?
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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