I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
