my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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