My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
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Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
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I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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