She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
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