yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Randomize
