Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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