I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Randomize
