He told me they were just razor bumps!
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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