Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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