Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize